Divorce and FOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSSS!!!

Yes, my lovelies, I'm going through the "Big D" and I don't mean Dallas. A couple of you know what's been happening and others may have suspected since that marriage post I did a while back. I've deleted it since, but at that time I was worried and kinda knew what was coming. I'm not going to air dirty details here, but I wanted you all to at least know what's up. You've become a source of laughter, friendship & support and...well...I love you whores! There I said it!

So the reason I've been MIA from the blogosphere for a week + ? The hub-terd decided my computer belongs to him and he took it. (Fucker!) I'm not supposed to blog on my work computer and I love my job and really need it right now so I'm following that rule. I have a new BlackBerry phone, but I don't have the patience to peck out an entire blog post on that tiny ass key pad.
And haaaaaay! It's not all bad news, chicas! I finally got my work evaluation this week and my raise kicks in on May 1st! Cha-ching! I'm still losing weight, 30lbs and counting. Woot! Oh, and one more thing....just the other day, I booked my motel room in FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSS!!!

So listen, don't bog down the comments with the "I'm sorry's", etc. Don't cry for me, Argentina! Seriously, this divorce has been overdue for a while & though it still sucks werewolf nuts, I am very relieved to be moving on. FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSS is going to be a celebration of so many things! Holy shit, that little town has no idea what it's in for!

Gotta go for now, but remember: Death Before Decaf, bitches!

Need a Wake Up Call?

I can't believe I drank this much tonight. Oh mah fucking gawwww. I'm so fucking drunk right now. And yet I still have to get up at 6am! Holy Shit. What is a Twi-Girl to do?

Well, I could try hooking up a device like this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ-l5PlDa-k&feature=player_embedded

Or I could employ the service of something like...

http://www.snoozester.com/

or

http://www.wakeruppper.com/
Gawd, I hope these things work. Or otherwise, if any of my best bloggy bitches are up that early, PLEASE CALL AND WAKE ME UP! My review and first annual raise depend on it right now!!!!!  (Deleted.)
Omyfuckingawd, I must be drunk. I just posted my phone numbers on the Internet. I can delete it tomorrow. *snort* Nite...

What's Your Stripper Name? - A little game

Yeah, I figured this pic would get your attention. Horny bitches. Robward stripping has inspired me to host a little game called...

What's Your Stripper Name?

Firstly, a WARNING: This is probably the post where my blog finally crosses the treaty line between somewhat horny and frustrated to full on slutty, shameless adult material. (I know, hanging around all you Twi-hoors, it was bound to happen eventually.) I can't promise full on nudity, but there will be suggestions of it.

So if you're under 18 or easily offended, support search and rescue - get lost!

"Coffee, I want to play the stripper game!"
"Oh yes, love, you can play along, too.

But keep your coat on...for now.

Your TwiBitches are going to strip for you this time."

We all know Rob is a red-blooded male who likes to occassionally have nekkid chics jiggle their bits for him see a good show.

Exhibit A...

Not long ago, in a town not so far away, Rob was spied taking a "break"

from his grueling filming schedule at a titty bar a gentlemen's club.

So being the devoted Robward fans that we are, I figure we should brush up a bit and be prepared to service his desires. So you may be thinking, "Coffee, what does it take to be a stripper? How can I dance nekkid for Rob get Rob to notice me?" Well, I don't really know everything because my "Stripper Academy" video has not arrived yet. But I've put together a quick little list of things I think we might need:

1. A good pair of pasties

No, not THAT kind of pasty!

(This pic came up first when I Googled "pasties". Bah!)

Yes, like that. And a sparkly thong to match of course.

2. Some kick ass stripper shoes, or boots (for Mrs.P of course)

The tip shoe is handy, dontcha think? Gotta have somewhere to keep all the bills Rob will be throwing at us! That's just smart stripping, I don't care who you are.

3. A stripper pole

And last, but not least...

4. A good stripper name

Here's how to come up with a name that will make you both sexy and memorable to the Precious:

First name = the name of your first pet.

Last name = the name of the street you lived on when you had that pet.

(Note: If the street is a number, then pick another street you lived on that had an actual name.)

So, for example, MY stripper name is:

Suzette Grandview

Share your stripper name in the comments. And you know, we're all so hot we really should open up our own place or at least take the show on the road. Let's come up with a good name for our new girlie review.

It's true - Kellan Lutz is a god!

Recently it was announced that Kellan Lutz has been cast as Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea, in upcoming flick "War of the Gods". The idea I love most about this is that costuming could be quite simple and would obviously require Kellan to remain shirtless and wet throughout the whole movie. Yes...? (Well, I know I will be at least.)

Poseidon has always been traditionally "older" but I have to say I sincerely hope they don't put a beard on him, I can't stand that much facial hair.

Bleh

This is a little better...

Ohhhhh, yeaaaaaahhhh....This is what I'm talkin' bout!

Is there a way they can write it so that Poseidon is also a lusty vampire?

Cuz...F*CK...that would be haaaawwwwwt!

If us Twitards and BitePack Bitches called the shots and the studio could only cast Twilight actors/actresses alongside KLutz, what parts would you assign to whom? (Theseus - the hero, Phaedra - the oracle princess, Medusa - the snake-haired bitch, King Hyperin - the main bad dude, Stavros - master of thieves who helps Theseus, and who else? I don't know enough about Greek mythology to continue the list.)

Bella has a new love interest

This spoof is just too freakin' funny not to share. I found it originally linked from David Slade's page on IMDB here.

If blogspot is cutting it off on the right side, check it out on YouTube here.



I just finished PMSL, along with my TwiGuy, Mr.Coffee. What do you all think? Doesn't Freddie look a little like that guy on Heroes?

Mrs. P Goes to Olympia, WA

Recently, one of my favorite bloggy bitches, Mrs. P at TwiBite, started a little ditty called "Put Mrs.P on the Map". It has been SO much fun seeing all of her worldly travels and I've been patiently waiting for her to make her way out to the Pacific NW. Finally, this weekend Mrs. P stopped in and she went with my daughter and I to Olympia.  Here is a photo journal of our day:

Our first stop was at the World War I memorial which welcomes visitors to the Capitol Campus. "Hey, 1918! That's the year Edward was born as a vampire!" (Leave it to Mrs. P to find a Twilight connection.)

The sun was out most of the day today, really it was. Of course when we wanted to take nice pictures to show our friends around the world, it looks like a typical overcast Northwest day. And, honestly, our capitol building has seen better times. But Mrs. P pressed on and stomped up the steps in her signature black boots. She was muttering something about lobbying for a "Twilight in Washington" statewide day of worship and setting aside funds to commission a statue of Robert Pattinson and having it erected in the heart of Forks. I like both ideas, but I guess Governor Gregoire hasn't responded to Mrs. P's emails yet.

"It's closed...? WTF?!"
"I guess we spent too much time watching the New Moon DVD today."
"Well, if YOU hadn't kept pausing it on Jacob's abs...!"
"Yeah, if YOU didn't replay the moaning kiss scene 20 times...!"

I thought it might soothe Mrs. P if she had a dance with the daffodils.


But there was no change in her expression.

OK, how about taking in the beautiful view of Capitol Lake and Puget Sound?
"Look! There are the Olympic Mountains in the distance! Forks is just on the other side and you'll be there in a few short months, Mrs. P!"
This cheered her up so on we went to do some shopping.

Our next stop was to sample a little of the local flavor.
"Mrs. P, are you sure you want 4 shots in that?"
"Yes," she replied, "I like my coffee how I like my men: rich with a strong bite and keeping me up all night!"
Okaaaay, can't argue with that.
(Did anyone notice yet how I thoughtfully laminated Mrs. P? I wanted to be prepared for our usual rainy weather. Well, we didn't have it but there was a close call with my daughter's hot cocoa, so I'm glad we played it safe.)

 Our favorite of the day was a posh little boutique called "Sweet Life". While my daughter wandered the store modeling accessories and practicing how to spend my money, Mrs. P found a cushy pink settee in the back to kick up her boots on. Where is Mini-E when you need him?

"Oooooh! What is that I see? A Juicy bag for me?"

While we couldn't find a new pair of boots for Mrs. P to try on, in another shop we found this little number.

I had a blast and hope you did, too, Mrs. P. I have some vacation time coming this year, so maybe we'll get together again soon.

*sigh* good times

Vampires drink coffee?

Hell yeah, in my world they do!

I am shamelessly addicted to coffee. I love it love it love it! I crave it, I need it. It's like a drug to me. (Wait a sec, it IS a drug to me!) I even love the smell: it makes me stop, inhale deeply and sigh. I have stamp cards for every espresso stand within a 10 mile radius and the baristas know me by name. I drank mochas and lattes for a long time, but now that I'm losing weight I've scaled back to Americano with cream and sugar. Yeah, it's boring but I'm gonna be a skinny bitch again and at least I still get the kick I need.

Of course, I'm loyal to Starbucks since I live in Starbucks-land - otherwise known as Western Washington. But I have also found a delicious German coffee that I special order online. The price actually is pretty reasonable considering it's imported. Here's a link: Dallmayr Prodomo Kaffee at GermanDeli.com 

I'm a huge tea fan, too! If you're ever in Seattle you HAVE to visit the Pike Place Market and pick up some Market Spice Tea. It's strong, but oh so good!

I Googled "vampire coffee" just for fun and found a huge collection of cool mugs at Zazzle.

Just in case you need an extra kick this morning... Here are a few of our favorite Twilight stars gettin' their blood pumpin' with some good old fashioned caffeine!

Hmmm, I wonder if Rob takes cream and sugar...

Ashley and Jacksper

Kellan - A tea man? That's ok, it's all caffeinated.

Taylor - Don't start too young, sweetie, it'll stunt your...er...growth.

Can we see a close-up of Rob's coffee, please?

Yeah, that's the one...whaaat? Dunkin' Donuts?! Oh Rob, you poor deprived man. Come over my house and I'll show you what good coffee is all about.

Speaking of close-ups, can we zoom in on Kellan?

Ohhhhh...yeaaaaaaaah.... thud.

If anyone is still sitting upright near their keyboard, share with us in the comments: Are you addicted to caffeine? Do you prefer coffee, tea or soda? Cream and sugar? Have you ever tried to quit? If so, what happened? What's your favorite brand?

Have a great day and remember... Death Before Decaf, bitches!