Divorce and FOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSSS!!!

Yes, my lovelies, I'm going through the "Big D" and I don't mean Dallas. A couple of you know what's been happening and others may have suspected since that marriage post I did a while back. I've deleted it since, but at that time I was worried and kinda knew what was coming. I'm not going to air dirty details here, but I wanted you all to at least know what's up. You've become a source of laughter, friendship & support and...well...I love you whores! There I said it!

So the reason I've been MIA from the blogosphere for a week + ? The hub-terd decided my computer belongs to him and he took it. (Fucker!) I'm not supposed to blog on my work computer and I love my job and really need it right now so I'm following that rule. I have a new BlackBerry phone, but I don't have the patience to peck out an entire blog post on that tiny ass key pad.
And haaaaaay! It's not all bad news, chicas! I finally got my work evaluation this week and my raise kicks in on May 1st! Cha-ching! I'm still losing weight, 30lbs and counting. Woot! Oh, and one more thing....just the other day, I booked my motel room in FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSS!!!

So listen, don't bog down the comments with the "I'm sorry's", etc. Don't cry for me, Argentina! Seriously, this divorce has been overdue for a while & though it still sucks werewolf nuts, I am very relieved to be moving on. FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSS is going to be a celebration of so many things! Holy shit, that little town has no idea what it's in for!

Gotta go for now, but remember: Death Before Decaf, bitches!

Need a Wake Up Call?

I can't believe I drank this much tonight. Oh mah fucking gawwww. I'm so fucking drunk right now. And yet I still have to get up at 6am! Holy Shit. What is a Twi-Girl to do?

Well, I could try hooking up a device like this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ-l5PlDa-k&feature=player_embedded

Or I could employ the service of something like...

http://www.snoozester.com/

or

http://www.wakeruppper.com/
Gawd, I hope these things work. Or otherwise, if any of my best bloggy bitches are up that early, PLEASE CALL AND WAKE ME UP! My review and first annual raise depend on it right now!!!!!  (Deleted.)
Omyfuckingawd, I must be drunk. I just posted my phone numbers on the Internet. I can delete it tomorrow. *snort* Nite...

What's Your Stripper Name? - A little game

Yeah, I figured this pic would get your attention. Horny bitches. Robward stripping has inspired me to host a little game called...

What's Your Stripper Name?

Firstly, a WARNING: This is probably the post where my blog finally crosses the treaty line between somewhat horny and frustrated to full on slutty, shameless adult material. (I know, hanging around all you Twi-hoors, it was bound to happen eventually.) I can't promise full on nudity, but there will be suggestions of it.

So if you're under 18 or easily offended, support search and rescue - get lost!

"Coffee, I want to play the stripper game!"
"Oh yes, love, you can play along, too.

But keep your coat on...for now.

Your TwiBitches are going to strip for you this time."

We all know Rob is a red-blooded male who likes to occassionally have nekkid chics jiggle their bits for him see a good show.

Exhibit A...

Not long ago, in a town not so far away, Rob was spied taking a "break"

from his grueling filming schedule at a titty bar a gentlemen's club.

So being the devoted Robward fans that we are, I figure we should brush up a bit and be prepared to service his desires. So you may be thinking, "Coffee, what does it take to be a stripper? How can I dance nekkid for Rob get Rob to notice me?" Well, I don't really know everything because my "Stripper Academy" video has not arrived yet. But I've put together a quick little list of things I think we might need:

1. A good pair of pasties

No, not THAT kind of pasty!

(This pic came up first when I Googled "pasties". Bah!)

Yes, like that. And a sparkly thong to match of course.

2. Some kick ass stripper shoes, or boots (for Mrs.P of course)

The tip shoe is handy, dontcha think? Gotta have somewhere to keep all the bills Rob will be throwing at us! That's just smart stripping, I don't care who you are.

3. A stripper pole

And last, but not least...

4. A good stripper name

Here's how to come up with a name that will make you both sexy and memorable to the Precious:

First name = the name of your first pet.

Last name = the name of the street you lived on when you had that pet.

(Note: If the street is a number, then pick another street you lived on that had an actual name.)

So, for example, MY stripper name is:

Suzette Grandview

Share your stripper name in the comments. And you know, we're all so hot we really should open up our own place or at least take the show on the road. Let's come up with a good name for our new girlie review.

It's true - Kellan Lutz is a god!

Recently it was announced that Kellan Lutz has been cast as Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea, in upcoming flick "War of the Gods". The idea I love most about this is that costuming could be quite simple and would obviously require Kellan to remain shirtless and wet throughout the whole movie. Yes...? (Well, I know I will be at least.)

Poseidon has always been traditionally "older" but I have to say I sincerely hope they don't put a beard on him, I can't stand that much facial hair.

Bleh

This is a little better...

Ohhhhh, yeaaaaaahhhh....This is what I'm talkin' bout!

Is there a way they can write it so that Poseidon is also a lusty vampire?

Cuz...F*CK...that would be haaaawwwwwt!

If us Twitards and BitePack Bitches called the shots and the studio could only cast Twilight actors/actresses alongside KLutz, what parts would you assign to whom? (Theseus - the hero, Phaedra - the oracle princess, Medusa - the snake-haired bitch, King Hyperin - the main bad dude, Stavros - master of thieves who helps Theseus, and who else? I don't know enough about Greek mythology to continue the list.)